The Value of Eating in Silence as a Family

I have a lot of experience eating in silence due to my time spent at retreat centers. I call it "mindful eating" and it can be a very meditative experience. I'm a quiet person by nature, so I have natural tendencies toward contemplative eating. When I'm at silent retreats, I feel like I can actually be myself at meal times, and all conversational pressures are off. I can be present with my meal, but I also become fully present with my surroundings, and the people eating with me.

Over the years I wondered if we could replicate this "mindful eating" practice at home, but always thought it was a pipe dream. Both of the kids in our home are incessant chatterboxes. I don't mean that in a criticizing way, it's just a fact that they both have a constant need to fill the silent spaces with words. Some people are like that, and they are two peas in a pod. I even hear them talking to themselves in their rooms. Well, tonight blew me away because we had a true, silent meal together as a family; it was a beautiful experience.

The meal tonight was spaghetti. I'd cooked the marinara sauce with extra garlic, zucchini and tomatoes which made for a rich tasting, but simple meal. The aromas had filled the house, so we were all salivating when we first sat down to eat. The silent part of the meal was completely spontaneous and unplanned. Right away my husband stated, "I am going to practice silence during this meal." The kids became quiet, stared at Dad, looked at each other, and then Dad said it again, "Just so you know, I'm practicing complete silence during this meal." He proceeded to say a short prayer before we ate (something we do at every family meal, either aloud or inwardly), and when he was done I expected the kids to speak while Dad was quiet.

As we proceeded to eat, I noticed complete quiet right away. I noticed because it never, ever happens  that way. Usually, Andrew is monopolizing the conversation by giving lectures about what he learned, or projects he's working on, or asking a-zillion questions. Or Sosena is attempting to assume Andrew's role and begins rambling about things she's been up to. Rarely do my husband and I get a word in edgewise during family meals, so the silence was a stark contrast to what we're used to. I kept waiting for the talking to begin, especially from 5-year old Sosena. I always assumed she was too young to ever understand or take such a mindful practice seriously. I was wrong.. we all sat there, fully present with our meal, our surroundings, the sound of the fridge humming, and a strong sense of connection to one another. Stronger than the connection words give us. The truth is, words get in the way. Without them, we looked more thoughtfully into each others eyes. We were more aware and perceptive. I noticed things, like my hand on the fork and how it was moving, how great the meal tasted with each bite, and I actually ate more slowly.

For an entire twenty minutes we experienced a silent dinner together. I am still amazed. The kids were not struggling, bored, or deprived of connecting to their parents. Instead, their senses were heightened, and they felt loved and connected. We exchanged winks, smiles, and at one point I placed my hand on Andrew's. That probably wouldn't have happened during the usual exchange of incessant conversation. All affection experienced was at a heightened level due to the awareness that silence evokes. We were more fully present with ourselves, our meal, our surroundings, and one another. It was beautiful!

Mindful eating, also called meditative eating, is something we're hoping to practice as a family at least once a week. It feels as if we didn't just nourish our bodies, but our souls as well. There's a science behind it.. eating in silence has been proven to help with weight loss, and people who eat quietly tend to feel more full after meals. It also aids the digestive process. I love the model of mindful eating created by Thich Nhat Hanh that includes this beautiful prayer before meals:

"This food is a gift of the whole universe, the earth, the sky and much mindful work.
May we eat in mindfulness so as to be worthy of it.
May we transform our unskillful states of mind and learn to eat in moderation.
May we take only foods that nourish us and prevent illness.
May we accept this food to realize the path of understanding and love."

Hanh has a page dedicated to "Eating  Together" that explains it beautifully here. We are blessed when we can practice this a few times a year at spiritual retreats, but I can only imagine the benefits of establishing it as a regular family practice, with those whom we share such a personal bond. I'm so grateful for what we experienced this evening, and hope others can give it a try. I hear it's great for couples, too, especially during breakfast time; a perfect contrast to people's hurried lives.

Giving My Autistic Son a Voice = More Peace for Him.. and Me

Lee 'on the go' enjoying a ride with us

We had a great first visit with Lee at his new home on Saturday. He'd been at the new home (Intermediate Care Facility) for just five days, but it felt like we hadn't seen him in weeks. We took him for a ride, and got him his favorite treat at a drive-thru: a strawberry milkshake. He seemed calm and mellow, and when we first walked into the house he lit up with a look of surprise and huge smiles. How I miss his contagious smiles every day!

I've had a hard time adjusting (putting it mildly). I expected it to be incredibly difficult, but I didn't know it would come in huge waves that feel like they could swallow me up completely, and show up at such unexpected times. Letting go of wanting to nurture and pamper him, pick out his clothes every day, make sure he gets his snacks and hydration, appropriate toileting, bathing, comforting upsets, etc.. only a mother knows how to do those things, right? He's non-verbal, but at one point one of the caregivers told me he started yelling "Ma-Ma!! Ma-Ma!! Ma-Ma!!" over and over. I hadn't heard him yell that for years, and when he did it was under extreme states of frustration. It was unbearable to me to know this, and that night I couldn't sleep more than five hours because I kept hearing him in my head, yelling for me. The self-torment I go through! I'm realizing grief and loss is affected greatly by where we place our thoughts in each moment. I've been focusing on keeping my thoughts on things I do have control over, and remembering how good it is that Lee is in a place where he can receive care around the clock. No guilt, no worries.. just moving forward. Easier said than done, but I'll get there. I'm being gentle with myself and not expecting a lot in the beginning, and despite how painful it gets, I never lose my sense of deep gratitude. If anything, I'm feeling a deep awe for how incredible life is and how perfectly everything has fallen into place.

I spent this morning putting together a list of 10 things Lee would want people in the home to know about him if he could speak. Hoping it eases my maternal worries a bit, and will give Lee a voice when people read it on his wall. Years ago I worked in homes for developmentally disabled adults, and a list like this would have been greatly appreciated from residents' families.


                                                              LEE
                          10 Things I Want Caregivers to Know About Me
1) I don’t speak, and use a few signs, but I have very good receptive language; this means I understand what you say. Sometimes I shut it out because I get overstimulated, but please speak to me about plans for the day, and tell me things you think I might be interested in knowing- I will do better. Note: Sometimes if you sing to me instead of speaking, I enjoy it a lot. I love to hear music & singing!

2) I have a very high metabolism and need a lot of calories & water. Grazing on snacks is good for me, and you have to prompt me to drink water throughout the day. You will notice I am in a much better mood when I get my snacks and drinks between meals. Top favorite foods: Pickles, Potato Chips, Raw Vegetables (especially red & green peppers & onions), Cookies & Pizza.
Note: Red Meat & Pork tend to constipate me, and I wasn’t raised eating them.    

3) I love watching my favorite movies. I have an iPad with instructions in my top drawer if you don’t know how to help me use it. *I’m unable to navigate it all by myself, but I prefer choosing my own movies* I also have a back-up portable TV & DVD player, and a DVD collection in that same drawer. PLEASE call my mom or dad if you have trouble with devices: ph#_______________

4) I enjoy music a lot. Instead of movies, I enjoy a break with music. I have a collection of my favorite music CDs in my top bedroom drawer. My top favorites are Enya, Beatles, and Disney soundtracks.

5) I prefer deep pressure, especially scalp massages. I also enjoy giving high fives. If you sit or stand too close to me, I may not like it, but I really crave and enjoy being around other people. I like to observe others, and sometimes I find people to be very entertaining and funny; I have a good sense of humor, and sometimes you won’t know what I’m laughing at. Feel free to join me!

6) I love water. Warm showers help to calm me down, and swimming is one of my favorite activities. *If I get morning showers, it wakes me up and makes me feel better for that day* If you take me swimming, make sure it’s not too long (30-45 min) because I drink the water.

7) If I’m upset and yelling it’s nothing personal. It’s usually because I feel out of control in the moment. I don’t stay upset for long, but I get upset almost daily because I can’t speak my wants and needs. If you can figure out what’s wrong, please help. Otherwise, I need space to cool off.

8) I can usually stay dry in my pull-up if I’m taken regularly to the bathroom (every 60-90 min). I like staying clean and dry, and feel good about myself when I use the toilet. Please take me often because *I won’t usually initiate going to the bathroom.*    

9) I’m an ‘on the go’ person. I don’t like staying in the same place for very long. I switch rooms, and like to switch activities and take walks outside in the sun. I also love car rides, and could ride for days. Please give me easy access to the outdoors (in a safe, enclosed area because I will run away) or take me on outings. I always have a better day with more variety.

10) I have a lot of strengths: I’m as gentle as can be, have a contagious smile, a great sense of humor, good taste in music, I’m a super swimmer, am highly adaptable, like a healthy diet, am adventurous and curious, love sightseeing, I like to try new foods, and really enjoy people.

Beginnings of Homeschooling/Unschooling

We recently pulled thirteen year old Andrew out of public school after many years of battling the schools. A week later, we decided to pull five year old Sosena out of transitional kindergarten. I don't think anything has given me as much peace this year as being able to take the extreme academic pressure off my kids. Seeing them learn at their own pace, in their own way, and actually enjoy it has been a huge weight lifted after a very rough & tumble year of transition, loss and challenges. Most satisfying is seeing that they're able to be kids and enjoy their lives together while learning what they want to learn.

• Sosena sat at the table for lunch today, and wore a bright red skirt on her head. You can see it pictured below on her brother's head. She talked a lot about needing a haircut since it was so long. 
• She spent time reading her yogurt carton, and sounding out the words "Strawberry" and "Banana."

• She typed out new words on her iPod learning app, and I never knew she could spell anything but her own name! Yes, I caved and gave my 5 year old an electronic device on her birthday. When I saw all the cool learning apps, I couldn't resist. She gets two 20-30 minute periods/day, if she wants to. Some days she doesn't even ask to use it.

  

  Andrew decided to do his worksheets in a lovely head covering 

  yesterday.

• She assisted me in starting the laundry, and when it was finished she folded and put away all the napkins & dish towels. I didn't even have to ask for assistance, and she had a blast.

• She danced & danced, sang to music, and basically did her own version of aerobics.

• Sosena asked for some learning worksheets. I gave them to her, and they were completed on her own. They were done neatly and correctly-- both handwriting and math work. She enjoyed every moment!

• We sat and talked a lot. It's amazing how much young kids learn and soak up if they have an adult who will just sit and talk with them one-on-one at least 10-20 minutes a day.

• Sosena said "Candy is good for me, right? It helps me grow." She's still finishing up her Halloween stash, so I had to explain what sugar is, what it does to your teeth and how it affects the brain and blood. Quite a lesson. Now she says "I want some candy, but I will only eat a little so I can feel good and stay healthy." Of course, we ration it out in small amounts for her, but now she knows why.

• Andrew had a very fun time reading about the California gold rush era. He did two hours of research on the topic, and took extensive notes. He doesn't know it, but he's doing things he used to hate: reading and writing. I love it! As long as he's learning about something he is excited about, he doesn't even notice he's doing those things. And he's spending far more time doing them than when he was in school.

• He studied various dog breeds, and did the corresponding writing to go with it. He also learned about etching into metals and fine jewelry, and watched a video about how jewelers make their creations.

• He drew up a floor plan for his room. Now that his older brother, Lee, has moved out, he has some serious plans. We implemented many of them today, and his room looks great.

•  Andrew completed all his usual daily chores: feeding & grooming the cats, cleaning out the litter box, straightening his room, dishes.

• We do so much talking with him home all the time now. We notice more when he says a sentence incorrectly, and have started holding him accountable-- i.e. he has to re-state what he said slowly, with more thought, until he says what he means. He has language processing issues for various reasons. We could just let it slide since parents know how to translate their kids so well, but we're not letting anything slide now.

• He's finally dropped the demand to be graded on everything he does (poor kid was so brainwashed!) No grades, just effort with a willingness to do his best in all things. Oh, and to have fun of course!

• After taking about 6 weeks off math, I started testing him to see where he's at. It took him, a while to clear all the algebraic mumbo-jumbo from his head. That confusing stuff had him so lost, he couldn't even remember how to do basic addition! He has a math disability, so we're focusing on basic life-skills math. He's finally completing worksheets competently, and feeling good about himself. He's learning how to count money, long and short addition and subtraction, and knows his multiplication tables. I'm already seeing some progress in a very short time, which has us feeling very hopeful. Struggles came up when he didn't want an assignment to end, wanted more attention, so pretended he didn't know how to solve a problem. We had to sit down and explain how it works in math terms:
  Math + Honest Effort = Fun privileges that day
  Math + Dishonest Effort = No fun privileges that day
  Despite having a math disability, he got it right away and started doing much better. hehehee!

• Self Esteem: He's starting next week on a reading assignment. It's Louise Hay's renowned "You Can Heal Your Life." He's been trying to do better in the self-love department, but he needs a nudge. We're seeing the importance of this since he's getting older. The low self-worth affects everything he does, and stems from seven years of institutionalization and abuse in India- intense stuff. So, I'm breaking it down in chapters and having him write a synopsis of each chapter. He's going to take his time with it, which means it could take him a while to complete. He also has the "Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook" to go with it. I don't like to push assignments on my kids, but I'm going to make sure he associates this book with getting attention.. he craves attention, so that get him motivated.

Sosena with Daddy reading "Stellaluna"

I'm surprised at how effortless this has seemed so far. Of course, this is only a handful of a-zillion learning opportunities that have taken place since starting the homeschooling adventure. They seem to happen 'round the clock. We're looking forward to museum visits and road trips. With homeschool, plus both parents working from home, we have freedom to do so many exciting things as a family. I always talk to Andrew about the ginormous classroom we have (the world) and how eager I am to explore it with him!

Tea + Trees = Happiness

My husband and I cannot think of anything more important for marriage than regular periods that are set aside to relax, reflect and talk together; it really should be daily. For years, we've sat together enjoying a warm cup of tea in the mornings. It started at least a decade ago when my husband worked outside the home- we used to wait until all 5 kids went to school and then we'd sit together with the comforting warmth of tea for however long we had before he left for work. Sometimes it was just thirty minutes, and other times much longer. We reflected on our lives, discussed our plans for the day, shared ideas and hopes, and often just sat in the silence. I swear those tea times were what catapulted us to accomplish so much of our lives- the adoptions, our change in lifestyle, the leap we took half-way across the country.. I hate to think of where we'd be without tea!

Now, my husband and I both work from home and we have the luxury of setting our own hours. We're down to two kids in the home, and they're very independent with a schedule of their own in the mornings. We often sit for hours alone together, just talking every morning. Since moving here to the mountains, we tend to prefer tea outdoors. We don't miss one morning tea, ever, since that would be complete sacrilege! I believe it has helped us stay very connected as a couple. We both wake up very eager to get the dogs and kids settled so we can enjoy that quiet time together.

This morning was especially beautiful outside, so we sat under the trees, soaking up the sunlight and amazing smells after a mountain rain.

Looking up toward the back side of our tiny 12' x 12' cabin

we move these lightweight chairs around the property daily for a different view. Tea with the trees is pure heaven!

Adulthood Transition for our Autistic Son

Lee occupies a special place in my heart as a mother. None of my other kids have even come close to touching that place. Maybe it's because Lee's disability renders him without ego, so his pure smile is the most sincere I'll ever know. Or maybe it's because shortly after he was born we'd lie for hours in bed just gazing into each others eyes, basking in a comforting familiarity that transcended any roles we were playing in this world. His diagnosis of severe autism in 1996 when he was just 19 months old almost sent me over the edge with grief and hopelessness. I'd never known the heart could weep so long and hard-- I recall visiting the ocean once, and I couldn't bear the sight of it without falling to pieces because it felt like I was staring into my own grief. I had a well of tears so great, it could have filled all the oceans, and then some.

Somehow, after a few years, I managed to pull myself out of that dark place and focused on striving to help Lee reach his fullest potential possible. I remember sitting one day with him in my lap at age 3, letting the tears flow. I realized how much sadness I was putting into him, and how much it wasn't helping him or myself. Then I placed myself in his shoes (as much as I could because autism is an unimaginable condition) and could feel what he would want for me if he could speak. He's non-verbal, but I always knew he'd say he wants me to be as happy as possible, and to live as full a life as I could. That's the kind of mom he wanted, not the one wailing hopelessly in a chair. So, I began to move forward beyond the grief, and never looked back. I took some flack for that from my first husband, since happiness and acceptance were viewed as "giving up", but I kept soaring upward despite it all. Lee wanted me to, and I knew that because I knew his soul so intimately.

Lee has been a catalyst for growth and change in so many ways. He's given me wings. Now that he's 18, it's time to nudge my baby bird out of the nest, even though he's still still dependent on us for a lot. He will always need in-home support and supervision. But he's joyful and happy about his move, and he'll get more 'round the clock attention in his new place. We'll be able to visit any time, and we'll have him home often for overnight stays. He'll be almost an hour away, which is really pushing things for me as a mom. I will have to resist calling the home every fifteen minutes, wondering if he's being hydrated enough, keeping the schedule he needs, if he's happy or yelling, lonely or overstimulated, etc. I've been in high-gear intense caregiver mode since the day he was born. Even though he's the age of a college student, on some level it feels unnatural because he is still so infantile. My baby is going away so that others can take care of him. My baby!

I lie awake at night, thinking of what Lee's absence will feel like, and I can't even imagine it. I try, but it just isn't possible. He's been the center of our lives- for me it's been almost 19 years, and for my husband it's been 14 years. We both cry easily these days, just thinking about the days we won't be seeing Lee's smile. It truly lights up my day every time he smiles because it's not just something you see, you feel it. His warmth and sincerity, intense joy and purity, along with the deep affection I know he has for me. How to live without that, I am clueless. But he has his own life- his own experiences he's meant to have separate from me, even if he's totally dependent upon others to meet his needs. Like any young adult, he needs to spread his own wings, and feel his own sense of place separate from his parents. Just like when he was small, and I tried to put myself in his shoes about what he'd want for me, I know he'd want this for himself, and that gives me comfort. He'd say, "Mom, you've done your job and you've done great. It's time for me to have my own place where I can grow and meet new people, and have new experiences of my own." He was so happy while visiting the group home this week, he was squealing and doing his version of the happy-dance. It's really a beautiful home with some great staff. When asked if he wanted to live there, he immediately signed "Yes" (knows a few signs) accompanied by that huge, gorgeous smile we all love. God help me.. I have a feeling all this won't hit me until after he's out of the house in just five days. It's a major year of transitions here, and I'm holding onto my britches!

Moving Forward.. Gently

Writing is my personal gauge. If I'm writing, then I'm doing okay. If I'm not writing, you can assume that either 1) I have dropped dead, or 2) I am completely overwhelmed, 3) There is a secret so vile I cannot discuss it, or 4) I've completely lost my mind. Numbers two and three explain my long absence from blogging. It's been a very trying year for our family, and it would have helped greatly if I could have written about it while it was all going on, but there is so much that could not be shared at the time.

I've had to create a whole new blog, and create an alias, both here and on social media. All due to a greater need for personal privacy. My kids will all have aliases, too. This is all happening at a time when life is headed for some major transitions, along with personal healing and transformation, so it's actually nice timing. No matter how twisted and difficult things seem in the moment, things always (and I mean ALWAYS, every single time) work out. I've been through enough to know things never remain difficult, which is one of the blessings of this world's only constant: Change.

I'm giddy about writing again. Writing is a dear friend from early childhood, and I've really missed her listening ear. She helps me to understand my life with more clarity. By putting the craziness of life's experiences into words, it's finally outside of myself and I can witness everything more easily from an objective standpoint. I don't know how people function without writing, if only a little each day. Along with meditation, tea, and cream pie, it's my therapy.

What do I hope to write about? Well, I want to stay focused on the present as much as possible, so I won't be reminiscing a lot about the past and what put the brakes on blogging. But I won't hesitate to explain some of it here and there, just so my present life makes sense. We recently went through an adoption disruption with a twelve year old son we raised for ten and a half years. It was a gut wrenching process (putting it mildly) and it effects my present state of mind and healing process. I'm working through post-traumatic stress, and other issues. We're also about to see our eighteen year old severely autistic son leave home for the first time- he's moving into a small group home about an hour away. Another wrench to my gut, but also very exciting and liberating for everyone. Along with that, I've recently withdrawn my thirteen year old son from public school, and started homeschooling him through the method of Unschooling. I have a five year old daughter I'm hoping to homeschool all the way through 12th grade. In addition, we live in a scenic mountain community, which gives me plenty to share through photos, plus I keep a small flock of chickens (one of the best hobbies imaginable). We always have creative projects going on around our property, and we hope to start growing some of our own food next Spring. My husband and I practice meditation, and are deeply devoted to our spiritual life, so everything we do and experience centers around that. There isn't one encounter or life experience that isn't sacred- everything is a gift and blessing, meant to guide us to a higher state of awareness, wisdom, and love.

I look forward to sharing openly again; there is an abundance to write about, and several weights have been lifted off my heart and mind, so I've no excuse to step away from writing. Let the therapy begin!