Christmas Gift to Myself: Simplicity

It was a very laid back and peaceful Christmas in our home this year. We went to pick up our son Lee from his home on Christmas Eve, and enjoyed his sweet company until late Christmas day. As you can see, he was full of huge smiles. He's autistic and non-verbal, but his smiles speak volumes!

My oldest daughter came over Christmas morning, and Lee's face lit up like a Christmas tree! It's hard to believe they're both adults and out of the home. It's very special now when they're here together.

 

This was the first year that Sosena seemed very aware of the Christmas routine, and what it's all about. She had a blast with hot cocoa, s'mores, eggplant lasagna, pie, family, new toys, and the festive feeling of everything. I know you can cry from happiness, but can you cry from cuteness? I found out you can; she was so super-cute at one point, I noticed eyes welling up! Five has to be my favorite age.

This was an unusually stress-free Christmas.. so much so, I kept thinking I was forgetting something. I even had fun shopping (just did a couple days of shopping, and bought a lot online), and didn't feel drained by the time it was all over on Christmas day. Again, did I do something wrong; did I miss something? My mind was confused because it didn't coincide with the go-go-go we see and feel around us this time of year. We kept things pretty low-key, especially in the gifts department. Both Sosena and Andrew got 1) something they wanted, 2) something the needed, 3) something to wear, and 4) something to read. I used that as a guide, and I bent it a little here and there (i.e. we got Andrew three books, and got Amelie several things to wear). It seemed to keep things in focus for me. I also chose to cook a meal, but purchased a ready-made lasagna that I added my own ingredients to (eggplant, garlic, spices, and cheese). It required very little effort, so I could relax and enjoy the day. It was no less delicious than homemade, and I considered the minimal effort required to be a Christmas gift to myself.

my oldest baby and I

I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending. Fred Rogers
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/holiday.html#0sEKHVgXVEZi3GBV.99

I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending. Fred Rogers
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/holiday.html#0sEKHVgXVEZi3GBV.99

I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/holiday.html#0sEKHVgXVEZi3GBV.99

 "I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending." -Fred Rogers

The Painful Unknown, and Letting Go

Today was a day of seeking answers, and finding very little. About a week ago, my husband and I received a notification from the court that our twelve year old son was admitted to an acute psychiatric hospital, and placed on two new anti-psychotic medications. We called his group home, and found out he'd been in the hospital for two weeks, which means something very serious happened. We've been trying to get answers ever since, but have had no luck. The social worker at the group home works for Child Protective Services, and is refusing to give us any information.

In early November, the court had to take over our son's care due to serious behaviors that would have endangered our family. He's mentally ill. We'd raised him for over a decade since he was a toddler; releasing him to the Court was the most difficult and painful decision of our lives. The judge stated to us that we have the option of contact any time we choose, and so does our son, but that none of us could be forced into contact. This means we can follow how our son is doing, his placement(s), progress, etc., right? We were told by our court appointed attorney that we could follow all that, but that we'd have to initiate getting the information. That's what we've been trying to do ever since receiving the hospital notification from the court.

This morning my husband called our Congressman, left another message with our attorney, called the hospital, and finally reached someone again at the group home. The group home informed him our son had been in the hospital for three weeks. That's all he would tell us. Then we called the hospital, and found out our son had just been released today. Three weeks in an acute psychiatric hospital? He's been hospitalized twice before with us, and both times for dangerous behaviors, but for no more than five days. To be held for three weeks tells us something even more serious happened. We have a record from the hospital, but most of the writing is illegible. We keep hearing about our son's "right to privacy" because he's twelve now. How are we supposed to let go? My husband wrote a nice little post about the process of not knowing, and how difficult it can be. You can read that here.

I'm not sure how to cope with not knowing what happened to our son, what he did, or what harm he might have even brought upon himself. The imagination goes everywhere. All I know is right here and now, we are not supposed to know. We work at letting go into a place of trust; trusting the State knows how to handle things of this nature far more than we do, and that they have far more resources. We will continue to get clear on our parental rights, but have to release the need to know. It's difficult to remain open to future contact (several years down the road after he goes through therapy and treatment) when we don't know what he may have done to warrant a three week stay. It's looking like we will never be able to make an informed decision in that regard. The world of 'letting go' is incredibly difficult on so many levels. No matter how "done" we think we are with difficult situations and relationships, we're not really done until all the lessons are learned, and we can fully let go. Every day I pray for my son- that he doesn't suffer more than necessary for his growth, that he learn from any suffering he does encounter, and that he doesn't bring suffering upon anyone else. I have no control over these things, but I pray for my own sense of well being, and a stronger peace of mind. I often visualize my son in a pool of liquid light (an ocean of divine love), and love him from afar. My heart is still healing, and it will be mending for many years. With the distance and a new sense of safety, I can be in a greater place of love and compassion than ever before. I'm trusting this is helping him far more than anything I could ever have done in this world.


"Life teaches you  the art of letting go in every event. When you have learnt to let go, you will be joyful, and as you start being joyful, more will be given to you." -Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

Messages from Nature: "Go With the Flow"

"To affect the quality of the day,
that is the highest of arts." -Henry David Thoreau


It's funny how we can get so stuck in our day to day routines, we don't know what we're missing. In spite of our ruts, when we wake up each morning there are an infinite number of possibilities for what we can do, and how our day can go. And guess what? We're in charge. Most of us become automatons, doing the same things day in & out, week after week, without questioning or thinking much about it. Slaves of habit. Routines are great- they give us a sense of self-discipline and security, so they're not necessarily "bad." I've been noticing how important it is to consciously break out of our routines on a regular basis, though. In other words, it's good to make a routine of breaking routines.

I'm basically a spontaneous type of person, so it's more natural for me to 'go with the flow' and break routines. I can do things 'on the fly' so to speak. When I suggested something else for today, outside of what we'd planned, I noticed my husband had a harder time with it. He seemed thrown-off and even agitated mentally, but he acknowledged that and just pushed through it. He was annoyed, but open. We both saw humor in his sense of agitation.The usual 'Friday thing' was for him to drive Amelie to a play group at the local town hall, and then for him to write at the coffee shop for several hours. We'd planned to take our usual walk first, but I proposed something different-- instead, all three of us dropped Amelie off at her play group, then took a walk together by the creek at the center of our village before going to the coffee shop.. together. Lots of togetherness today! It turned out to be such a great decision because the creek is flowing, and we all had so much fun together. Andrew hopped and climbed on stones, played with sticks, and we followed the creek down a ways. It was magical. I enjoyed just sitting and listening to the sound of the water flowing because it's so soothing. It was an unexpected treat of beauty and exploration, much better than if we'd followed the "usual routine" that we are automatically inclined to. I rarely ever regret breaking routines, and my husband was happy to have pushed himself outside the idea of what he thought the day would look like.

I like to consider how each day can be different from the last. Newness keeps things fresh, interesting, and it's great on the mind and spirit. Sometimes it can be something very small, like taking a different route home from work, or trying a new recipe for dinner. Whatever it is, I like to notice my ruts because those are blocks to a zillion other more fun and interesting possibilities.

Dad and Andrew had a contest to see who could hold their hand in the icy cold water the longest. Of course, Andrew won!

This photo is proof of the slight "change in plans agitation" he was experiencing

Just look at my two little Forest Faeries, hahahahaa!

Strawberry Creek is in the heart of the village of Idyllwild, California

Andrew was measuring water levels with his sticks, and hopping rocks

To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.
Henry David Thoreau
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/h/henry_david_thoreau_3.html#2vFR2s8xpMVAM6D8.99

To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.
Henry David Thoreau
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/h/henry_david_thoreau_3.html#2vFR2s8xpMVAM6D8.99

Stupid Thoughts: Too Much Fun?

Being very new to unschooling my kids, I'm watching my thoughts ever-so closely. This morning I noticed myself thinking, "My kids are probably having too much fun, and they may not be learning appropriately as a result." What?! As if learning has a ceiling in place to control "fun levels"? Why be afraid they're not learning just because life is stress-free and fun? Umm, have you looked at the statistics on homeschooled and unschooled kids in particular; how successful they are in adulthood?

I title these posts "Stupid Thoughts" even though I know I should not judge any thought that way-- they're just thoughts that come from past experience, past parenting, past teachers, society, and past curricula. I'm accepting of my thoughts, but discern that they're still quite dumb. I need to put those fear-based, ignorant, and judgmental thoughts in their place. After all, I'm noticing the more fun my kids have, the more enthusiasm and focus they put into whatever they are doing. As long as learning is fun, learning is more effective! As long as learning about something has a clear reason and purpose behind it, they hunger for knowledge.

In  the midst of every day life I have been amazed at how much Sosena (age 5) is progressing in so many ways. I sit down to make grocery lists, and she wants to watch me write every letter. She knows the letters stand for sounds, so she works at reading on her own. She is so curious, so it drives her nuts that she doesn't know what I'm writing.. that characteristic alone has motivated her to start reading. She looked at a word, pointed and said, "I don't know what that word is.. hmmm." She was thinking hard, and I told her to 'sound out' the letters. It was the word "Tree" since I had planned to purchase our Christmas tree that day. She sounded all the letters on her own, and shouted "Treeeee!!!" She was super happy, and so was I. There have been other spontaneous instances like this, where I don't formally sit down to teach her, and she reads words on her own. I'm not pushing at all, but sometimes I suggest attempts to read words.. if she wants to great, if she doesn't, great. It's up to her in the moment. Like this morning when she was trying to click "Resume Playing" on her Netflix show, I told her to look for  the link that said "playing" in it. She pointed to the word and clicked on her own!

For me, all this spontaneity and natural learning is exciting. I'm learning far more than my kids right now because I have so many ingrained beliefs about how learning should look-- mainly, I keep thinking it should be a lot of hard work. Both my kids are self-initiators, they want to learn all the time; all I really need to do is keep things fresh and new, and trust a lot more in their natural tendencies. The trust part is very hard for me, but also extremely healing to the child inside me who felt imprisoned every day of structured school.

What's planned for today? Fun, of course! I'm hoping to make it to the library with Sosena and have her pick out books that interest both her and I. Parents need to love what they read to their kids, or the kids have no fun. There's that word again: fun! I love it. And I cannot believe I'm saying this (never thought I would), but I love having my kids home every single day, and I love learning with them! Historically, I was way too frazzled and stressed, and was dying for a break from the kids. Looks like we found the  perfect approach for ourselves and our kids. But wait.. being so happy with my kids and their natural learning set-up causes me to question myself, "Hmmm.. I must be doing something wrong." Naaah!!


Here are a few resources for families considering homeschooling or unschooling:

• Click here to read the benefits of unschooling. I especially loved all the family quotes at the end. The benefits are truly endless! We've just started, and are seeing major changes in self-esteem, well-being, family closeness, and a true joy for learning.
• The expert in unschooling, Sandra Dodd, has three videos on YouTube that are great introductions. Being new to this very holistic, organic approach, we're happy to find so much info online.
• This is an interesting article by a filmmaker and photographer who unschooled his son, and took issue with the mainstream media's portrayal of unschooling, including how "damaging" they said it is. Seriously? It sounds like his adult son turned out great!
• Homeschool Statistics Graphically Depicted.. this speaks for itself!

Unschooling and Coffee Shops Just Go Together

It seems like a perfect day- I get to sit in the local coffee shop and get some work done while Prasad reads the book he just checked out. Our first stop was the library, and he found the last Star Trek novel they had on the shelves.. "Probe." Boy, was he excited! He's reading a chapter at a time, then writing a paragraph in his log that summarizes what he read. Plus, he gets to feel special on an outing with Mom.

Our Unschooling World

After looking through the museum at so m any interesting things, Grover asks for more..

Wheeeee!!!

This is a book I'm planning to get for Sosena this Christmas, it's titled "Grover and the Everything in the Whole Wide World Museum

This book encapsulates the nature of unschooling so well. We've been letting Andrew decompress and recover from so much of his previous school experiences while we research, learn, and let go of so many old thoughts and beliefs about what learning looks like. With unschooling, parents and children learn together, and connection & happiness is far more important than the learning part. As long as we keep things fresh and new, learning happens naturally. "Getting out of the way" seems to be a theme in our lives lately, and it's becoming more fun than we imagined.

One part of our lives that has changed drastically is scheduling; we are not living by the clock as much as we used to. We all sleep until around 8:00am or later, so there's no more sleep deprivation due to early mornings, everyone is in a better mood, and no one has been sick with a cold or anything since pulling the kids out of school three months ago (schools are germ havens!). The kids usually eat when they are hungry, and Andrew is making Sosena and himself lunch daily. Snack time is "around" 3:00 now, instead of promptly at 3:00, and dinner falls whenever it's done. We eat any time between 5:30-7:30 or 8:00 most nights, but we used to eat promptly around 5:30. Bed times are set tentatively for Sosena, but if she's in the middle of something fun, we extend it. Late night learning can happen at times when I used to force her to go to bed when she wasn't sleepy. Same goes for Andrew. He used to get to bed promptly at 8:00, religiously. We used to need all our kids to bed no later than 8:00pm, but that's not the case any more. We are enjoying one another, and Andrew stays up later reading, drawing, watching cool shows (things his dad and I loved watching as kids), and just hanging out with the pets. He tends to retire on his own around 9:00 or 9:30, and I've been amazed at how he initiates bedtime himself. Our home life is taking on a completely different feeling and mindset. One of trust, freedom, relaxation, openness, and peace. This wasn't possible with a lot of what was happening in our home before. If there is one thing long-term hardship and drama does for you, it makes you appreciate life in ways we never could have without them.

On a creative note, Andrew researched homemade Christmas ornaments so we can get some great pieces on our tree this year, and he is teaching me how to make Polish star ornaments and a paper table-top Christmas tree. Next month I plan to encourage some food activities, like cracking eggs for fun and rolling dough. I can't wait to see how both kids react when I mention "playing with food." As the parents of unschoolers, we are supposed to make it fun for ourselves, and be the kind of people our kids want to be around. This means I can be a kid, too... something I feel has been lost during the past many years of trauma and challenges. I have a feeling this final lap of parenting my last two kids is going to be a blast, if not, at least it will be an interesting trip that nurtures my "inner Grover."

Meditation & Grace: How I Maintain Serenity

For years I've been approached by several people, asking me what my "secret" is, or how it is that I can be so positive and peaceful in the midst of some pretty heavy and horrible stuff. They don't just ask me flippantly, they inquire deeply for books, techniques, even asking about my diet and lifestyle to figure it out for themselves. Today I received another inquiry, and it was through a Facebook  message: "I come to you because, in the midst of all your turmoil ..... you manage to find your peace and hold onto it, and you manage to post the words I need to see when I need to see them. I think there's a synchronicity to it. I'm rambling, but the short version is this - I want to know more about how you hold on to your serenity."

It's a personal topic, but I've received enough of these inquiries now, that I feel compelled to write something publicly. I'm not an expert or teacher in this area at all, so all I can do is share what has worked for me and why I think it helps. I feel a bit awkward even writing about this, but here goes. First, I want to say that I meditate. I have a regular practice that speaks to the deepest recesses of my heart. I didn't find it overnight- it took years, but I never gave up searching for the right practice or teacher. I always recommend the book "Autobiography of a Yogi" if people want to know more about me, personally, and why meditation is so important. It's written by my Indian guru, Paramahansa Yogananda. If anything, it's a fantastic read, and some have told me it helped with every unanswered spiritual question they've had. You don't need to follow the guru for the book to impact you; it can open doors to other practices, or turn your previous beliefs inside-out. Although with some people, they receive nothing from the book (don't understand it), while one person I recommended the book to ended up changing her life dramatically.. fortunately, it's a book that appeals to all faiths and belief systems because it encompasses very basic truths. It changed my life, and the teachings of my guru have been the primary, guiding force in my life. Or I should say, my relationship and personal experiences have been what I cling to in the darkest moments. I believe when we have found our soul's path, and we know 100% it's where we belong, we should follow it completely, faithfully, and wholeheartedly. So, I'm extremely devoted to my spiritual life, and it's the at core of everything for me. It's not really me holding on to my serenity, I am the serenity itself and it's only through the grace of my guru that I am still standing today.

I guess people need to know I spend a great deal of time doing nothing except sitting in reflection; in total quiet. I'm talking many hours on some days. We don't have television, so I have a lot of time for this. It took a while to stop calling myself "lazy" for doing it. Sometimes I'm thinking about things, feeling creative and envisioning new projects, and other times I'm basically in a state of decompression, so I just sit and notice my breath, my environment, and those around me. I also practice a form of meditation called Kriya yoga. My point is that I believe all this crazy stillness has helped me significantly over the years. Every big decision in my life has been made through insights I received in a state of intuitive reflection and/or meditation. It's a natural inclination I've always had, but if it weren't, I'd try to cultivate it. In our go-go-go culture, the art of sitting quietly is seen as a waste of time, but it's really where our minds and hearts germinate intuitive insights and great ideas.

The more in-touch I am with my inner reality, the less my outer reality affects me. I've noticed the more I meditate and explore what is inside me, it's far more beautiful and enticing than anything this world has to offer. It took years for me to realize that, but there is a special inner world I have that is very secret and personal. It's a relationship with the divine. I'm not some nut with an imaginary world, though! It's extremely real. When things happen in this outer world, they're just events going on, and I can work at witnessing them from that inner place of peace, strength, and serenity that I know I am. We're all there, in that place all the time. It's not about a 'belief' in a place within us-- it's about direct experience with that place, and is our true state of being. I don't believe, I know (but I'm far from a know-it-all!) I'm always working at trying to remain in that sacred state through everything I do. It's not easy, and I fail a hundred times a day, but it's always there when I need it. I call it "practicing the presence" but there are many ways of saying it. I don't know if I'm making any sense to those who have little or no experience with meditation. I apologize if this is confusing or complicated. My hope is that it helps those who have asked in their search, if you are still searching. We're all going there-- all rivers flow into the sea; we're all already there. This world is a major distraction, and the ego is constantly trying to make us focus on what's outside, instead of the soul. If you feel compelled to ask these types of questions of me, then you're being called from a very deep and primal place, so keep listening to that.

Other things have helped me, too, including:

• Allowing myself to feel my feelings fully, not being afraid of big emotions
• Realizing emotions are no more a part of my true self than my hands and feet, and not being swallowed up or controlled by them. Becoming a compassionate witness to everything we go through.
• Communicating my needs in a respectful way, and valuing myself enough to have a voice
• Letting go of expectations in relationships, and as a parent. Allowing others to be exactly as they are, and practicing acceptance.
• Being patient and gentle with myself, parenting myself with love. 
• Disengaging in toxic relationships. Releasing guilt completely, letting others go with love.
• Focusing daily on the brevity of life, and living fully in each moment. I never know when my last day might be, or when I may lose someone I love.
• Allowing myself great joy, and acknowledging how much I deserve it. 
• No matter how bad things get, I have a deep sense of my inner strength and a strong resolve to not allow anything external to bring me down. I am here to shine, and life is too short to dwell on darkness.
• I'm always meditating, even when I'm not sitting quietly in meditation, I'm working at remembering my soul, God, my guru, and doing everything for a higher power, and seeing divinity everywhere. Like I said, I forget over and over again.. but always return to these higher thoughts.
• Creativity- noticing that I create my life, and it can be whatever I choose it to be. Enjoying the moment, and creating things to always look forward to. Dreaming, and goals.
• Purpose & Service: I make sure my life has a sense of meaning and purpose, because it does whether I see it or not. I serve others daily, which always serves me.
• Needing and desiring very little from the world and from others. Filling myself up from the inside out on a daily basis.
• Practicing calmness and even-mindedness, even when I want to scream. Eventually, calmness has taken hold and become a more dominant response.

Last but not least, I want to say that constant gratitude does amazing things. It's almost an overused and trite word these days, but I'm talking about living in a state of sincere awe. When I first started my "spiritual journey" (for lack of a better term) about 20 years ago, I remember consciously choosing to change all my negative thinking. I was living with someone who complained a lot, and also noticed the culture had entrained me to believe nothing was enough, and that I wasn't good enough. I made a pact with myself to start a gratitude journal, and wrote in it daily for at least three months. I recall noticing how my mind started jumping to the positive aspect, instead of the negative. It affected everything-- how I saw the world, people, relationships, etc. I continued the practice for several months until it became an ingrained habit in my mind. Now, I cannot imagine being a negative person. At the time it was a new way of thinking, and it put some people off. Misery loves company, after all. But gratitude, to me, is probably the highest state of thinking. It has attracted so much good into my life, and the good is endless. I always tell people to just try it, see how it works for at least 3-4 months. It's not just the daily journaling, but watch your thoughts and words, and correct them when you can. It's where I began my process to greater peace and joy, and it never let me down.

These days, I'm working at accepting 'more' for myself-- greater peace, more freedom. And I'm opening up to new friendships, and coming out of my shell (a lifelong process). I'm letting go of guilt, both surrounding my severely autistic adult son moving to a home, and my mentally ill child having to leave. I'm letting go, and it's a big challenge with grief and loss showing its face from time to time. I feel I'm rising from a large pile of ashes these days. The process of personal unfoldment never ends, and life is never without challenges. We are meant to keep unfolding so that we can choose to reveal all our beautiful soul qualities, not so that we suffer. We do have a choice as to which way it goes.

I can see infinite possibilities in my life, and it is so, so sweet. I introspect, praise, and correct myself daily. May all beings find peace, joy, and happiness regardless of outer life experiences. May all beings discover the blinding, yet eye-opening magnificence of who and what they truly are.

"One day the sun admitted
I am just a shadow
I wish I could show you
the infinite incandescence
that has cast my brilliant image!
I wish I could show you
when you are lonely or in darkness
the astonishing light
of your own being." -Hafiz


Resources:

• How to Meditate (through Self-Realization Fellowship)
• Purchase a copy of Autobiography of a Yogi
• Meditation for Beginners (Zen tips) 
• Basics on Meditation 
• 15 Books recommended by Buddhists
• Christian meditation through WCCM
• Transcendental meditation
• Amma and meditation
• Eckhart Tolle and meditation
• Sufi Meditation, Hazrat Inayat Khan
• Vipassana meditation center

Please feel free to add resources for readers in the comments section! There are countless teachers and types of meditation, which is great because it's not a one-size-fits-all deal.

Flexibility, Gratitude, and the Unexpected

I'm noticing more and more the importance of flexibility in life. Maybe that's why I had an obsession with rubber chickens when I was growing up.. they are both flexible and comical, after all. One of the fondest memories I have is of my maternal grandmother hanging a drawing I'd done of a rubber chicken on her fridge. She truly loved and cherished it through our shared sense of humor, and that ability to laugh is what keeps us open and flexible about life. Being self-employed and working from home requires a lot of self-discipline, so today I sat down and created a somewhat elaborate weekday schedule for my husband and I. It's titled "Flexible Weekday Schedule" since we never know what's going to come up from day to day, but I didn't expect to have a chicken-wrench thrown-in the very next day. The Universe has a very big sense of humor, and it's always trying to tell me something!

My husband and I have been noticing the need for specific times set aside to leave the home and do our writing. We have two very independent kids in the home, but home is still a very distracting place. So, we decided on specific days of the week that he and I can go to the local coffee shop, together or separately, for a few hours at a time. My husband is very excited about this, since he has a history of writing successfully in coffee shops. I, on the other hand, write best in bed; don't laugh- so does Woody Allen! I've been writing in bed since childhood, and old habits linked to creativity rarely die. It's all an experiment, and I'm going to see if I can also do well in a coffee shop. We all have our quirks, so it may not work as well for me. At least it will feel as if we're "leaving for work" each day, and give the illusion of productivity. Working from home can start to feel like non-work, no matter how productive we get.

Anyway, right after printing out the weekly schedule and proudly hanging it up on our refrigerator, I got an e-mail from Lee's home care director stating: "..his new school has called for an emergency IEP meeting tomorrow at 1:00. It would be very helpful if you could attend." I felt like laughing at first, but the humor was quickly diverted by the fact that Lee has had a difficult adjustment at his new school this week. He's not been placed in the proper program, and probably needs to be moved to a different school in the district that can better serve his needs. It's difficult to guide and direct staff at a new school when he lives further away, and the primary contact person for the school is the home care director at his new home. It will be good to attend tomorrow, and finally meet school staff face-to-face. I'm trusting that things will get ironed out soon, but we still have an important role in making that happen.

I'm taking a deep breath today, laughing at the idea of schedules, and feeling enormous gratitude for the freedom we have as a couple. We are basically semi-retired. My husband is only a part-time attorney now, working solely from home. He's also been building up an online, passive income that has grown since we moved here. Less attorney time has given him more time for that venue, which includes writing, along with marketing products and services he strongly believes in. We're pretty much able to go anywhere on a whim, and spend every day together. The kids have two parents at home full time.. wowie, how common is that? This lifestyle is the ultimate type of prosperity in our hurried and competitive day and age. Although, it does require more self-discipline, but I say schedules, schmedules! We're hanging on to the darned thing I wrote up today, but plan to use it as a mere guide for the week. It's basically a rubber chicken. The universe usually laughs in the face of schedules!


“Planning is helpful. If you don’t know what you want, you’ll seldom get it. But, no matter how well you plan, you will fare better if you expect the unexpected. The unexpected, by nature, comes unseen, unthought, unenvisioned. All you can do is plan to go unplanned, prepare to be unprepared, make going with the flow part of your agenda, for the most successful among us envision, plan, and prepare, but cast all aside as needed, while those who are unable to go with the flow often suffer, if they survive.” -David W. Jones

The Value of Eating in Silence as a Family

I have a lot of experience eating in silence due to my time spent at retreat centers. I call it "mindful eating" and it can be a very meditative experience. I'm a quiet person by nature, so I have natural tendencies toward contemplative eating. When I'm at silent retreats, I feel like I can actually be myself at meal times, and all conversational pressures are off. I can be present with my meal, but I also become fully present with my surroundings, and the people eating with me.

Over the years I wondered if we could replicate this "mindful eating" practice at home, but always thought it was a pipe dream. Both of the kids in our home are incessant chatterboxes. I don't mean that in a criticizing way, it's just a fact that they both have a constant need to fill the silent spaces with words. Some people are like that, and they are two peas in a pod. I even hear them talking to themselves in their rooms. Well, tonight blew me away because we had a true, silent meal together as a family; it was a beautiful experience.

The meal tonight was spaghetti. I'd cooked the marinara sauce with extra garlic, zucchini and tomatoes which made for a rich tasting, but simple meal. The aromas had filled the house, so we were all salivating when we first sat down to eat. The silent part of the meal was completely spontaneous and unplanned. Right away my husband stated, "I am going to practice silence during this meal." The kids became quiet, stared at Dad, looked at each other, and then Dad said it again, "Just so you know, I'm practicing complete silence during this meal." He proceeded to say a short prayer before we ate (something we do at every family meal, either aloud or inwardly), and when he was done I expected the kids to speak while Dad was quiet.

As we proceeded to eat, I noticed complete quiet right away. I noticed because it never, ever happens  that way. Usually, Andrew is monopolizing the conversation by giving lectures about what he learned, or projects he's working on, or asking a-zillion questions. Or Sosena is attempting to assume Andrew's role and begins rambling about things she's been up to. Rarely do my husband and I get a word in edgewise during family meals, so the silence was a stark contrast to what we're used to. I kept waiting for the talking to begin, especially from 5-year old Sosena. I always assumed she was too young to ever understand or take such a mindful practice seriously. I was wrong.. we all sat there, fully present with our meal, our surroundings, the sound of the fridge humming, and a strong sense of connection to one another. Stronger than the connection words give us. The truth is, words get in the way. Without them, we looked more thoughtfully into each others eyes. We were more aware and perceptive. I noticed things, like my hand on the fork and how it was moving, how great the meal tasted with each bite, and I actually ate more slowly.

For an entire twenty minutes we experienced a silent dinner together. I am still amazed. The kids were not struggling, bored, or deprived of connecting to their parents. Instead, their senses were heightened, and they felt loved and connected. We exchanged winks, smiles, and at one point I placed my hand on Andrew's. That probably wouldn't have happened during the usual exchange of incessant conversation. All affection experienced was at a heightened level due to the awareness that silence evokes. We were more fully present with ourselves, our meal, our surroundings, and one another. It was beautiful!

Mindful eating, also called meditative eating, is something we're hoping to practice as a family at least once a week. It feels as if we didn't just nourish our bodies, but our souls as well. There's a science behind it.. eating in silence has been proven to help with weight loss, and people who eat quietly tend to feel more full after meals. It also aids the digestive process. I love the model of mindful eating created by Thich Nhat Hanh that includes this beautiful prayer before meals:

"This food is a gift of the whole universe, the earth, the sky and much mindful work.
May we eat in mindfulness so as to be worthy of it.
May we transform our unskillful states of mind and learn to eat in moderation.
May we take only foods that nourish us and prevent illness.
May we accept this food to realize the path of understanding and love."

Hanh has a page dedicated to "Eating  Together" that explains it beautifully here. We are blessed when we can practice this a few times a year at spiritual retreats, but I can only imagine the benefits of establishing it as a regular family practice, with those whom we share such a personal bond. I'm so grateful for what we experienced this evening, and hope others can give it a try. I hear it's great for couples, too, especially during breakfast time; a perfect contrast to people's hurried lives.

Giving My Autistic Son a Voice = More Peace for Him.. and Me

Lee 'on the go' enjoying a ride with us

We had a great first visit with Lee at his new home on Saturday. He'd been at the new home (Intermediate Care Facility) for just five days, but it felt like we hadn't seen him in weeks. We took him for a ride, and got him his favorite treat at a drive-thru: a strawberry milkshake. He seemed calm and mellow, and when we first walked into the house he lit up with a look of surprise and huge smiles. How I miss his contagious smiles every day!

I've had a hard time adjusting (putting it mildly). I expected it to be incredibly difficult, but I didn't know it would come in huge waves that feel like they could swallow me up completely, and show up at such unexpected times. Letting go of wanting to nurture and pamper him, pick out his clothes every day, make sure he gets his snacks and hydration, appropriate toileting, bathing, comforting upsets, etc.. only a mother knows how to do those things, right? He's non-verbal, but at one point one of the caregivers told me he started yelling "Ma-Ma!! Ma-Ma!! Ma-Ma!!" over and over. I hadn't heard him yell that for years, and when he did it was under extreme states of frustration. It was unbearable to me to know this, and that night I couldn't sleep more than five hours because I kept hearing him in my head, yelling for me. The self-torment I go through! I'm realizing grief and loss is affected greatly by where we place our thoughts in each moment. I've been focusing on keeping my thoughts on things I do have control over, and remembering how good it is that Lee is in a place where he can receive care around the clock. No guilt, no worries.. just moving forward. Easier said than done, but I'll get there. I'm being gentle with myself and not expecting a lot in the beginning, and despite how painful it gets, I never lose my sense of deep gratitude. If anything, I'm feeling a deep awe for how incredible life is and how perfectly everything has fallen into place.

I spent this morning putting together a list of 10 things Lee would want people in the home to know about him if he could speak. Hoping it eases my maternal worries a bit, and will give Lee a voice when people read it on his wall. Years ago I worked in homes for developmentally disabled adults, and a list like this would have been greatly appreciated from residents' families.


                                                              LEE
                          10 Things I Want Caregivers to Know About Me
1) I don’t speak, and use a few signs, but I have very good receptive language; this means I understand what you say. Sometimes I shut it out because I get overstimulated, but please speak to me about plans for the day, and tell me things you think I might be interested in knowing- I will do better. Note: Sometimes if you sing to me instead of speaking, I enjoy it a lot. I love to hear music & singing!

2) I have a very high metabolism and need a lot of calories & water. Grazing on snacks is good for me, and you have to prompt me to drink water throughout the day. You will notice I am in a much better mood when I get my snacks and drinks between meals. Top favorite foods: Pickles, Potato Chips, Raw Vegetables (especially red & green peppers & onions), Cookies & Pizza.
Note: Red Meat & Pork tend to constipate me, and I wasn’t raised eating them.    

3) I love watching my favorite movies. I have an iPad with instructions in my top drawer if you don’t know how to help me use it. *I’m unable to navigate it all by myself, but I prefer choosing my own movies* I also have a back-up portable TV & DVD player, and a DVD collection in that same drawer. PLEASE call my mom or dad if you have trouble with devices: ph#_______________

4) I enjoy music a lot. Instead of movies, I enjoy a break with music. I have a collection of my favorite music CDs in my top bedroom drawer. My top favorites are Enya, Beatles, and Disney soundtracks.

5) I prefer deep pressure, especially scalp massages. I also enjoy giving high fives. If you sit or stand too close to me, I may not like it, but I really crave and enjoy being around other people. I like to observe others, and sometimes I find people to be very entertaining and funny; I have a good sense of humor, and sometimes you won’t know what I’m laughing at. Feel free to join me!

6) I love water. Warm showers help to calm me down, and swimming is one of my favorite activities. *If I get morning showers, it wakes me up and makes me feel better for that day* If you take me swimming, make sure it’s not too long (30-45 min) because I drink the water.

7) If I’m upset and yelling it’s nothing personal. It’s usually because I feel out of control in the moment. I don’t stay upset for long, but I get upset almost daily because I can’t speak my wants and needs. If you can figure out what’s wrong, please help. Otherwise, I need space to cool off.

8) I can usually stay dry in my pull-up if I’m taken regularly to the bathroom (every 60-90 min). I like staying clean and dry, and feel good about myself when I use the toilet. Please take me often because *I won’t usually initiate going to the bathroom.*    

9) I’m an ‘on the go’ person. I don’t like staying in the same place for very long. I switch rooms, and like to switch activities and take walks outside in the sun. I also love car rides, and could ride for days. Please give me easy access to the outdoors (in a safe, enclosed area because I will run away) or take me on outings. I always have a better day with more variety.

10) I have a lot of strengths: I’m as gentle as can be, have a contagious smile, a great sense of humor, good taste in music, I’m a super swimmer, am highly adaptable, like a healthy diet, am adventurous and curious, love sightseeing, I like to try new foods, and really enjoy people.

Beginnings of Homeschooling/Unschooling

We recently pulled thirteen year old Andrew out of public school after many years of battling the schools. A week later, we decided to pull five year old Sosena out of transitional kindergarten. I don't think anything has given me as much peace this year as being able to take the extreme academic pressure off my kids. Seeing them learn at their own pace, in their own way, and actually enjoy it has been a huge weight lifted after a very rough & tumble year of transition, loss and challenges. Most satisfying is seeing that they're able to be kids and enjoy their lives together while learning what they want to learn.

• Sosena sat at the table for lunch today, and wore a bright red skirt on her head. You can see it pictured below on her brother's head. She talked a lot about needing a haircut since it was so long. 
• She spent time reading her yogurt carton, and sounding out the words "Strawberry" and "Banana."

• She typed out new words on her iPod learning app, and I never knew she could spell anything but her own name! Yes, I caved and gave my 5 year old an electronic device on her birthday. When I saw all the cool learning apps, I couldn't resist. She gets two 20-30 minute periods/day, if she wants to. Some days she doesn't even ask to use it.

  

  Andrew decided to do his worksheets in a lovely head covering 

  yesterday.

• She assisted me in starting the laundry, and when it was finished she folded and put away all the napkins & dish towels. I didn't even have to ask for assistance, and she had a blast.

• She danced & danced, sang to music, and basically did her own version of aerobics.

• Sosena asked for some learning worksheets. I gave them to her, and they were completed on her own. They were done neatly and correctly-- both handwriting and math work. She enjoyed every moment!

• We sat and talked a lot. It's amazing how much young kids learn and soak up if they have an adult who will just sit and talk with them one-on-one at least 10-20 minutes a day.

• Sosena said "Candy is good for me, right? It helps me grow." She's still finishing up her Halloween stash, so I had to explain what sugar is, what it does to your teeth and how it affects the brain and blood. Quite a lesson. Now she says "I want some candy, but I will only eat a little so I can feel good and stay healthy." Of course, we ration it out in small amounts for her, but now she knows why.

• Andrew had a very fun time reading about the California gold rush era. He did two hours of research on the topic, and took extensive notes. He doesn't know it, but he's doing things he used to hate: reading and writing. I love it! As long as he's learning about something he is excited about, he doesn't even notice he's doing those things. And he's spending far more time doing them than when he was in school.

• He studied various dog breeds, and did the corresponding writing to go with it. He also learned about etching into metals and fine jewelry, and watched a video about how jewelers make their creations.

• He drew up a floor plan for his room. Now that his older brother, Lee, has moved out, he has some serious plans. We implemented many of them today, and his room looks great.

•  Andrew completed all his usual daily chores: feeding & grooming the cats, cleaning out the litter box, straightening his room, dishes.

• We do so much talking with him home all the time now. We notice more when he says a sentence incorrectly, and have started holding him accountable-- i.e. he has to re-state what he said slowly, with more thought, until he says what he means. He has language processing issues for various reasons. We could just let it slide since parents know how to translate their kids so well, but we're not letting anything slide now.

• He's finally dropped the demand to be graded on everything he does (poor kid was so brainwashed!) No grades, just effort with a willingness to do his best in all things. Oh, and to have fun of course!

• After taking about 6 weeks off math, I started testing him to see where he's at. It took him, a while to clear all the algebraic mumbo-jumbo from his head. That confusing stuff had him so lost, he couldn't even remember how to do basic addition! He has a math disability, so we're focusing on basic life-skills math. He's finally completing worksheets competently, and feeling good about himself. He's learning how to count money, long and short addition and subtraction, and knows his multiplication tables. I'm already seeing some progress in a very short time, which has us feeling very hopeful. Struggles came up when he didn't want an assignment to end, wanted more attention, so pretended he didn't know how to solve a problem. We had to sit down and explain how it works in math terms:
  Math + Honest Effort = Fun privileges that day
  Math + Dishonest Effort = No fun privileges that day
  Despite having a math disability, he got it right away and started doing much better. hehehee!

• Self Esteem: He's starting next week on a reading assignment. It's Louise Hay's renowned "You Can Heal Your Life." He's been trying to do better in the self-love department, but he needs a nudge. We're seeing the importance of this since he's getting older. The low self-worth affects everything he does, and stems from seven years of institutionalization and abuse in India- intense stuff. So, I'm breaking it down in chapters and having him write a synopsis of each chapter. He's going to take his time with it, which means it could take him a while to complete. He also has the "Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook" to go with it. I don't like to push assignments on my kids, but I'm going to make sure he associates this book with getting attention.. he craves attention, so that get him motivated.

Sosena with Daddy reading "Stellaluna"

I'm surprised at how effortless this has seemed so far. Of course, this is only a handful of a-zillion learning opportunities that have taken place since starting the homeschooling adventure. They seem to happen 'round the clock. We're looking forward to museum visits and road trips. With homeschool, plus both parents working from home, we have freedom to do so many exciting things as a family. I always talk to Andrew about the ginormous classroom we have (the world) and how eager I am to explore it with him!

Tea + Trees = Happiness

My husband and I cannot think of anything more important for marriage than regular periods that are set aside to relax, reflect and talk together; it really should be daily. For years, we've sat together enjoying a warm cup of tea in the mornings. It started at least a decade ago when my husband worked outside the home- we used to wait until all 5 kids went to school and then we'd sit together with the comforting warmth of tea for however long we had before he left for work. Sometimes it was just thirty minutes, and other times much longer. We reflected on our lives, discussed our plans for the day, shared ideas and hopes, and often just sat in the silence. I swear those tea times were what catapulted us to accomplish so much of our lives- the adoptions, our change in lifestyle, the leap we took half-way across the country.. I hate to think of where we'd be without tea!

Now, my husband and I both work from home and we have the luxury of setting our own hours. We're down to two kids in the home, and they're very independent with a schedule of their own in the mornings. We often sit for hours alone together, just talking every morning. Since moving here to the mountains, we tend to prefer tea outdoors. We don't miss one morning tea, ever, since that would be complete sacrilege! I believe it has helped us stay very connected as a couple. We both wake up very eager to get the dogs and kids settled so we can enjoy that quiet time together.

This morning was especially beautiful outside, so we sat under the trees, soaking up the sunlight and amazing smells after a mountain rain.

Looking up toward the back side of our tiny 12' x 12' cabin

we move these lightweight chairs around the property daily for a different view. Tea with the trees is pure heaven!

Adulthood Transition for our Autistic Son

Lee occupies a special place in my heart as a mother. None of my other kids have even come close to touching that place. Maybe it's because Lee's disability renders him without ego, so his pure smile is the most sincere I'll ever know. Or maybe it's because shortly after he was born we'd lie for hours in bed just gazing into each others eyes, basking in a comforting familiarity that transcended any roles we were playing in this world. His diagnosis of severe autism in 1996 when he was just 19 months old almost sent me over the edge with grief and hopelessness. I'd never known the heart could weep so long and hard-- I recall visiting the ocean once, and I couldn't bear the sight of it without falling to pieces because it felt like I was staring into my own grief. I had a well of tears so great, it could have filled all the oceans, and then some.

Somehow, after a few years, I managed to pull myself out of that dark place and focused on striving to help Lee reach his fullest potential possible. I remember sitting one day with him in my lap at age 3, letting the tears flow. I realized how much sadness I was putting into him, and how much it wasn't helping him or myself. Then I placed myself in his shoes (as much as I could because autism is an unimaginable condition) and could feel what he would want for me if he could speak. He's non-verbal, but I always knew he'd say he wants me to be as happy as possible, and to live as full a life as I could. That's the kind of mom he wanted, not the one wailing hopelessly in a chair. So, I began to move forward beyond the grief, and never looked back. I took some flack for that from my first husband, since happiness and acceptance were viewed as "giving up", but I kept soaring upward despite it all. Lee wanted me to, and I knew that because I knew his soul so intimately.

Lee has been a catalyst for growth and change in so many ways. He's given me wings. Now that he's 18, it's time to nudge my baby bird out of the nest, even though he's still still dependent on us for a lot. He will always need in-home support and supervision. But he's joyful and happy about his move, and he'll get more 'round the clock attention in his new place. We'll be able to visit any time, and we'll have him home often for overnight stays. He'll be almost an hour away, which is really pushing things for me as a mom. I will have to resist calling the home every fifteen minutes, wondering if he's being hydrated enough, keeping the schedule he needs, if he's happy or yelling, lonely or overstimulated, etc. I've been in high-gear intense caregiver mode since the day he was born. Even though he's the age of a college student, on some level it feels unnatural because he is still so infantile. My baby is going away so that others can take care of him. My baby!

I lie awake at night, thinking of what Lee's absence will feel like, and I can't even imagine it. I try, but it just isn't possible. He's been the center of our lives- for me it's been almost 19 years, and for my husband it's been 14 years. We both cry easily these days, just thinking about the days we won't be seeing Lee's smile. It truly lights up my day every time he smiles because it's not just something you see, you feel it. His warmth and sincerity, intense joy and purity, along with the deep affection I know he has for me. How to live without that, I am clueless. But he has his own life- his own experiences he's meant to have separate from me, even if he's totally dependent upon others to meet his needs. Like any young adult, he needs to spread his own wings, and feel his own sense of place separate from his parents. Just like when he was small, and I tried to put myself in his shoes about what he'd want for me, I know he'd want this for himself, and that gives me comfort. He'd say, "Mom, you've done your job and you've done great. It's time for me to have my own place where I can grow and meet new people, and have new experiences of my own." He was so happy while visiting the group home this week, he was squealing and doing his version of the happy-dance. It's really a beautiful home with some great staff. When asked if he wanted to live there, he immediately signed "Yes" (knows a few signs) accompanied by that huge, gorgeous smile we all love. God help me.. I have a feeling all this won't hit me until after he's out of the house in just five days. It's a major year of transitions here, and I'm holding onto my britches!

Moving Forward.. Gently

Writing is my personal gauge. If I'm writing, then I'm doing okay. If I'm not writing, you can assume that either 1) I have dropped dead, or 2) I am completely overwhelmed, 3) There is a secret so vile I cannot discuss it, or 4) I've completely lost my mind. Numbers two and three explain my long absence from blogging. It's been a very trying year for our family, and it would have helped greatly if I could have written about it while it was all going on, but there is so much that could not be shared at the time.

I've had to create a whole new blog, and create an alias, both here and on social media. All due to a greater need for personal privacy. My kids will all have aliases, too. This is all happening at a time when life is headed for some major transitions, along with personal healing and transformation, so it's actually nice timing. No matter how twisted and difficult things seem in the moment, things always (and I mean ALWAYS, every single time) work out. I've been through enough to know things never remain difficult, which is one of the blessings of this world's only constant: Change.

I'm giddy about writing again. Writing is a dear friend from early childhood, and I've really missed her listening ear. She helps me to understand my life with more clarity. By putting the craziness of life's experiences into words, it's finally outside of myself and I can witness everything more easily from an objective standpoint. I don't know how people function without writing, if only a little each day. Along with meditation, tea, and cream pie, it's my therapy.

What do I hope to write about? Well, I want to stay focused on the present as much as possible, so I won't be reminiscing a lot about the past and what put the brakes on blogging. But I won't hesitate to explain some of it here and there, just so my present life makes sense. We recently went through an adoption disruption with a twelve year old son we raised for ten and a half years. It was a gut wrenching process (putting it mildly) and it effects my present state of mind and healing process. I'm working through post-traumatic stress, and other issues. We're also about to see our eighteen year old severely autistic son leave home for the first time- he's moving into a small group home about an hour away. Another wrench to my gut, but also very exciting and liberating for everyone. Along with that, I've recently withdrawn my thirteen year old son from public school, and started homeschooling him through the method of Unschooling. I have a five year old daughter I'm hoping to homeschool all the way through 12th grade. In addition, we live in a scenic mountain community, which gives me plenty to share through photos, plus I keep a small flock of chickens (one of the best hobbies imaginable). We always have creative projects going on around our property, and we hope to start growing some of our own food next Spring. My husband and I practice meditation, and are deeply devoted to our spiritual life, so everything we do and experience centers around that. There isn't one encounter or life experience that isn't sacred- everything is a gift and blessing, meant to guide us to a higher state of awareness, wisdom, and love.

I look forward to sharing openly again; there is an abundance to write about, and several weights have been lifted off my heart and mind, so I've no excuse to step away from writing. Let the therapy begin!