In early November, the court had to take over our son's care due to serious behaviors that would have endangered our family. He's mentally ill. We'd raised him for over a decade since he was a toddler; releasing him to the Court was the most difficult and painful decision of our lives. The judge stated to us that we have the option of contact any time we choose, and so does our son, but that none of us could be forced into contact. This means we can follow how our son is doing, his placement(s), progress, etc., right? We were told by our court appointed attorney that we could follow all that, but that we'd have to initiate getting the information. That's what we've been trying to do ever since receiving the hospital notification from the court.
This morning my husband called our Congressman, left another message with our attorney, called the hospital, and finally reached someone again at the group home. The group home informed him our son had been in the hospital for three weeks. That's all he would tell us. Then we called the hospital, and found out our son had just been released today. Three weeks in an acute psychiatric hospital? He's been hospitalized twice before with us, and both times for dangerous behaviors, but for no more than five days. To be held for three weeks tells us something even more serious happened. We have a record from the hospital, but most of the writing is illegible. We keep hearing about our son's "right to privacy" because he's twelve now. How are we supposed to let go? My husband wrote a nice little post about the process of not knowing, and how difficult it can be. You can read that here.
I'm not sure how to cope with not knowing what happened to our son, what he did, or what harm he might have even brought upon himself. The imagination goes everywhere. All I know is right here and now, we are not supposed to know. We work at letting go into a place of trust; trusting the State knows how to handle things of this nature far more than we do, and that they have far more resources. We will continue to get clear on our parental rights, but have to release the need to know. It's difficult to remain open to future contact (several years down the road after he goes through therapy and treatment) when we don't know what he may have done to warrant a three week stay. It's looking like we will never be able to make an informed decision in that regard. The world of 'letting go' is incredibly difficult on so many levels. No matter how "done" we think we are with difficult situations and relationships, we're not really done until all the lessons are learned, and we can fully let go. Every day I pray for my son- that he doesn't suffer more than necessary for his growth, that he learn from any suffering he does encounter, and that he doesn't bring suffering upon anyone else. I have no control over these things, but I pray for my own sense of well being, and a stronger peace of mind. I often visualize my son in a pool of liquid light (an ocean of divine love), and love him from afar. My heart is still healing, and it will be mending for many years. With the distance and a new sense of safety, I can be in a greater place of love and compassion than ever before. I'm trusting this is helping him far more than anything I could ever have done in this world.
"Life teaches you the art of letting go in every event. When you have learnt to let go, you will be joyful, and as you start being joyful, more will be given to you." -Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
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