All that said, I want to be clear that we wish more than anything our child with mental illness could enjoy life with us. Instead, he has to live apart from the family. I will call him "S" in this blog to protect his privacy. There's an empty space we all feel for S, especially when we find ourselves deeply enjoying a family outing. Then, we remind ourselves of the reality- that these enjoyable, bonding, and sweet family outings wouldn't even be happening if S were still present. It's because he's getting the help he needs, away from home so we can all be safe, that our other kids can create positive and happy childhood together, and we can all look forward to creating more of them. It's a strange mixture of emotions, but the more time passes, the more we see how good the situation is for everyone.
We just went out to eat at our local Mexican restaurant. It's "tostada night" so we all ordered veggie tostadas, and enjoyed an evening of typical family conversation (not something we'd been able to do before). For the past couple of months, we've been going out to eat regularly as a family, and are forming our own family traditions on Wednesdays- tostada night, and Mondays- taco night at another restaurant. These weekly rituals feel very nurturing, but it's something we were never able to do before. Partly because we couldn't take Lee very easily (he's often unpredictable and disruptive in restaurants), but mostly because S did his best to ensure things went poorly due to his serious mental health issues. He just could not allow any family bonding to take place, or we'd pay.. so, we just didn't put ourselves in his firing line by going out as a family. In many ways, we felt imprisoned by his behaviors.
Many years ago, we ventured with Andrew and S from our Kansas home to Colorado for a vacation in the mountains. We drove in a comfortable sedan, and hoped to experience an exciting road trip that we'd remember for a lifetime. Well, we will never forget it, but not due to any sense of fond nostalgia. We call it The Trip From Hell, and it took us years to be able to laugh about it. We laugh now, but the suffering we went through as a result of all the drama (created mostly by S) caused a parental wound like we'd never known. I won't go into detail, but we both felt severely abused and tormented after that vacation. When we got home, I don't think we spoke to S for a couple of days, and we never got over the horrible memories. We resolved to never, ever put ourselves in that position again. We'd already been going through so much as parents, raising our two older special-needs kids, and we didn't need to add to our load. We spent the next few years just surviving our journey with a disturbed child, and decided to minimize family outings. It was a very sad fact, but we were disabled as a family.
We learned to live with the limitations and I remember how I made a conscious choice to make the most of life, despite any and all difficulties laid before me. No one, and I mean NO ONE was going to keep me from living my life as fully as possible. In between dramas, I made sure to dream, create, and grow, and I was determined to use the family challenges for growth. It was difficult because every time I would make progress on creative projects or personal development, things would get put on hold due to S's serious episodes at home. For me, it was always one or two steps forward, three steps back. Due to a strong sense of perseverance, I was moving forward in my life, but there were times I had to stand completely still and take in what was happening, which was often frightening and disturbing. I longed to know how it felt to just soar, and a deep, old part of me (my inner child) was completely exhausted and very sad. After all, my other kids may never truly know me, or never experience their mother fully due to one family member's ability to traumatize her. We were all trapped in a tragic circumstance.
This situation reminds me of my friends' stories about living with someone addicted to drugs or alcohol. My son was addicted to conflict, rage, and had an incessant need to infect joy with disharmony, and destroy relationships. When he didn't succeed at that, he was very good at scaring the hell out of us. I don't share all this to demonize my son-- he is ill, and seriously needed help. He still does. I share this to contrast what our lives were like just six months ago, with how it is now. It's a night and day change, and as beautiful as it's been, I'm not sure it will ever feel "normal" to us. There are times we sit at the restaurant table just staring at each other, absorbing the peace and harmony we feel with one another. It's a strange experience to have after so many years, but very, very welcome. We are learning how to be a regular family, whatever that is for us.
We can look forward to things now, and not dread them. Like planning family drives along the coast (which won't be Trips From Hell) because we enjoy each others company so much. Did I just say I enjoy my kids' company? Oh my gosh, up until six months ago I thought I hated being a mom-- that was a major downer after having five kids. I can play with my kids now, act goofy, touch them, cuddle them, come alive and have a ball with them and it doesn't cause a horrible outburst of resentment in anyone. It's exhilarating! I am allowed to love, and to be loved. I am allowed to be happy, create things and let ideas flow because I am no longer emotionally and physically terrified in my own home. For the first time in many, many years, I am soaring upward with no one pulling me down. It's very hard for me to say it, but this feels like one of the best periods in my life... ever. It's a lot like a divorce when you have to surrender your child to the Court, except that you still love and care like mad about them. But we all chose peace instead of pain; we chose to move forward in a way that was more healthy for everyone. We had to break a lot of co-dependent patterns to do that, much like families of addiction, and now we are feeling the rewards of letting go. Letting go leads to joy, liberation, self-love and freedom. We are soaring upward. Should I feel guilty about that? Probably not, but we all do at times. I'm shoving that guilt aside faster every day. Not only do I enjoy my family, I enjoy Me more. I'm at peace, and can focus on what matters most to me: my sadhana, creative projects, personal growth, and family. We all take it one day at a time, and each day has been so absolutely rich and full of unexpected and beautiful experiences.. I never thought it was possible to enjoy life this much. I'm thankful for the ability to do so in spite of everything.
(( Can you feel my heart-throbs of gratitude?! ))
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