Our First New Years Eve Out in 14 Years

I was sitting down at the table of a restaurant when my daughter's boyfriend inquired, "How long has it been since you two celebrated New Years Eve away from home?" I hadn't even thought about it until that moment. We've been way too busy enjoying our new sense of freedom, not to mention the major stress reduction we've been experiencing. Our severely disabled adult child went to a fantastic group home, and our son with scary behaviors is no longer in our home and receiving the resources he needs. 2013 was the most challenging year imaginable, but I can't seem to find the words to express the deep sense of liberation we're experiencing as a couple; as a family. It sounds extreme, but we feel like someone just opened the prison gates. I was sitting there at the table last night, surrounded by my sweet village community, eager to welcome in the new year with my delightful daughter and her boyfriend, and his father on guitar singing classics from the 60's. It was the type of scene I'd always wanted for new years eve, but never had the energy to enjoy. The sad fact is we hadn't been to a New Years eve party together in fourteen years.

When I realized how long it had been, I was floored and somewhat saddened. It had been so long. Go out on New Years eve 'til midnight, are you kidding? It wasn't even considered before. We always, always, always needed our sleep (we were religious about it), and usually retired well before eleven o'clock, if not ten. It didn't feel like a choice if we wanted our health and sanity. Lee's care was beyond laborious, not to mention the mental drain of raising our other Reactive Attachment Disordered child. The load really took its toll on us internally. We didn't know to what degree we were affected until last night, realizing what a gift it was to be out celebrating after fourteen years. A celebratory night out, with no worries or concerns about what was happening at home with Lee's care, or worse-- dangerous antics that our other mentally unstable son might pull. We always felt the weight, and it was often easier just to stay home. The joy of being able to finally live again has been overwhelming. It comes with a twinge of guilt at times, but we're both working on that, and it's getting easier. We both cannot stop talking about the fact that it's been fourteen years, though. We will always look back on that with a "wow" because we survived and overcame so much. I just know this is going to be an incredible time, and a brilliant year.

me, in disbelief & joy

A great year calls for some conscious intentions. I decided to choose a couple of words to carry forward. The first one that came to mind was PLAY. I did a lot of inner-child work years ago, and found out my child self was exhausted, traumatized, and dying to be released from the place that I kept her. I had to protect her a lot throughout the ordeal with my mentally ill son, so she only came out for brief periods when it felt safe. With the recent change in stress level (almost zero) she's doing the happy dance. Can't you see it in here eyes to the left? She's always mischievous, creative, adventurous, and funny, so she had a blast last night. I'm rediscovering that side of myself in a more open way, and giving myself more opportunities to grow, create, explore, and dream. PLAY will be on my mind a lot this year, as well as RENEWAL. Creating new family routines, allowing myself to have more fun with my kids (I can actually enjoy parenting), welcome new experiences, create a fresh and new feeling in myself & my home without external sabotage, I can create-create-create (yes, yes, yes!!), and most importantly my heart will continue to heal and bloom. I don't even know what RENEWAL will look like, but it feels like a rite of passage. PLAY & RENEWAL, I love you!